Dating someone with a mental issue such as borderline personality disorder may sound scary and it is scarier to be in the relationship too.
Dating someone with a borderline personality disorder sounds scary and I must tell you it is serious too. It is natural of you to be scared of it especially if you have not heard of “borderline personality disorder” in general or have no idea what it actually is.
Mental health can be very tormenting and nerve-racking if you have zero idea of how it functions changing polarity every now and then.
Many among us are struggling into such relationships with partners suffering personality disorders…to be precise borderline personality disorder…( and they don’t know it at all ).
What is borderline personality disorder? According to mayoclinic.org Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior and a pattern of unstable relationships.
A person with borderline personality disorder can go great lengths to avoid getting abandoned and left alone, have repeated suicide attempts shows sudden feeling of angst and ongoing emptiness.
Studies have shown such disorders occur due to trauma, genetics and/or learned behaviour. People with borderline personality disorder may have comorbidity which means they have multiple disorders such as anxiety, depression, ptsd, etc at once.
The definition above of borderline personality disorder is so accurate but also may not be so helpful in identifying your partner/ spouse suffering from the same. Since they are not volatile in showing such disorders in inappropriate way. People with borderline personality disorders can be loyal, loving and empathetic, your relationship with them can be as loving as difficult.
Below are few examples presenting the the symptoms of borderline personality disorder based solely on suicide attempt and impulsivity.
How to tell if you are dating borderline personality disorder?
Disorder #1 You may find yourself confused constantly leading to internal anxiety. You may not be able to identify your partner’s shift of mood, or the level of emotion that is being expressed.
Disorder #2 The spark which once existed in your relationship romantically seems fused permanently, with the negative charges of love comes a really loving charge which is so addictive to you that you often overlook the lows and troubles being caused in your love-life due to your partner. Not just you but your family and your friends seems equally convinced that highs are more valuable than the lows and you try clinging to them feeling blissful. Despite all the doubts in your heart.
Disorder #3 You’ve noticed a pattern that your partner does not accept accountability for their behavior, which typically means they never apologize. They somehow find a way to make you feel guilty about something you did that caused them to lash out in the way they did. Even after the argument has settled, you may still find yourself feeling invalidated for multiple occasions.
Disorder #4 You have experienced real vulnerable moments with them which makes you fall deeper and deeper in love with them. Since borderline personality disorder have suffered some sort of trauma, whether it was neglect as a child or an assault of some sort, the person struggling with this disorder is often incredibly deep and emotional. They share their emotional stories and are passionate about so many things at once, you find it intriguing if it is not projected at you.
Disorder #5 You feel loved by them one time and hated at another. This yo-yo effect in relationship creates lots confusion and anxiety and frustration curiosity and hope in you. But you fail to understand the cause of such aches within you. You find yourself in total dismay trying to figure out the reasons of his/her behaviors consciously or subconsciously.
Disorder #6 Little behaviour of not answering the phone calls makes them go mad and leaving you sore trying to comprehend the whole situations of sudden shift in emotions.
Disorder #7 You don’t ever really feel trusted by your partner, even if you haven’t “done” anything to give them the impression you are untrustworthy. People who struggle with borderline personality disorder are incredibly vulnerable to the idea of abandonment. They want to be loved unconditionally (like we all do), but they often struggle with trusting full heartedly because they are often suspicious of people’s motives.
Disorder #8 You feel guilty. A LOT. About things that you don’t even believe are for you to own, but for some reason you feel the need to please them and make things right. Maybe you’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser so this dynamic may be somewhat of a comfort zone to you, even if it doesn’t feel great. You may become obsessed with the getting back to a good place with your partner so you can become the most special, beloved, and needed person on the planet again.
Disorder #9 You feel completely useless if you ask them for anything you need. And thinking of expressing yourself dreads them, your partner completely dismisses you and refuses to accept they don’t offer these needs to you. Instead they dismisses the whole reasons and turn this up at you explaining you how much they do for you and you refuse to acknowledge them.
Disorder #10 Your partner holds more and more of victim mentality and it shows outside of your personal life too. They assume a lot of things and half of them are cooked inside their brain. It makes them feel the whole world is against them.
Disorder #11 You friends and family have cautioned you multiple times about this relationship. If you have been transparent with your friends and families about your partner’s behavior, then most likely your best friends or close relatives have expressed their concern for you. Maybe this is another conflicting message, because that part of you that feels so close and loved by them when it is good, keeps instilling doubt that it truly is that bad of relationship. (Another example of dating someone with borderline personality disorder is the reluctance to actually tell others around you the full story of what has been going on in your relationship because you’re ashamed, embarrassed and/or scared. So you often hide your feelings and confusion from close ones around you and try to process it all by yourself).
So let’s say you relate to most of these examples. Where do you go from here? A part of you may feel a lot of relief, but you may also have a lot of fear about how to proceed. The tricky piece to many personality disorders like Borderline Personality, it is an ego-syntonic disorder, (which means an individual is unaware of their symptoms). This makes healthy longterm relationships pretty challenging (if not downright impossible), because they are often incapable of recognizing their (negative) part in the dynamic. If everything is perceived from their eyes as your fault, you may never feel seen, understood or appreciated in your relationship.